Happiness - tbc

I'm addicted to this feeling of happiness
but when I can't find any I'm as deep as the sea.
crawling on the ground
reminiscing where my heart lies
taking back anything I never should have tried.
Look back, don't stop
I see You, we're dead locked
destroying my worst enemy
i never realized it was me.
never stop. never stop trying
never stop never you never stop LIE-ing.

Oahwoah.

Bitter.

My lips are chapped, and cut open, from screaming at You the truth.
but, You still don't want to hear it, I guess You know what You want.
I guess You faked Me out once again, way to go, You had Me fooled.
For once I felt happy, but I realized it was because of You.
but now You don't need Me, I realized it was You.
if I had My way You would be sitting here with Me,
telling about all Your craziest dreams.
Gawsh, I could listen for hours.
you like to talk, i like to listen.
we fit together like two hands making one.
now all I can think about is the silence separating
all I can think about is Her hand in the one that's supposed to be Mine.
I guess being bitter is better.

You.

I hate when You don't laugh.
I hate when You don't smile.
I hate when You don't live.
I hate when You don't care about Yourself.
I hate when You don't Love.

I HATE when She takes away Your laugh.
I HATE when She takes away Your smile.
I HATE when She doesn't let You live.
I HATE when She Doesn't care about You.
I HATE when I know She'll never love You, like I love You.

I Hate that You can't see I just want to watch You laugh.
I Hate that You can't see I just want to make You smile.
I hate that You can't see I just want You to live freely.
I hate that You can't see I Just want You to feel whole.
I Hate that You can't see I just Love You completely with everything.

You hate that I talk badly about My self.
well I hate that You love Me like I am.
You hate that I never feel happy.
I hate that You can't see how happy I am with You.



BEYOND ALL I HATE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.
I HATE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE I ALWAYS HAVE.
I HATE THAT I HATE EVERYTHING I CAN'T HAVE.
But, the only thing I truly love, is you.

exploding at the seems

I hate when You ignore. I hate when I don't matter.
I hate when I have to respond to You or I feel really bad.
I hate that You're all that matters to me.
I hate that You know everything
I hate that If you didn't know everything, I'd explode.
I hate that You think You can just do this.
I hate that You know I'll always love You.
I hate that You make me love you.
I hate that You know You make Me love You.

My birthday was last night.

So now I can sing this!

"I AM 16 GOING ON 17 BABY (something, something...fdghkdsgk) "

Fault 6??

I am afraid of growing up.
I don't want to die on a death bed, knowing it's going to happen.
I don't want to reminisce over everything wrong/good I've ever done.
though I would like a chance to say goodbye.
but, I rather die really fast so there's no doubting before.
because I know, I will psych myself out...

Number 5

Fault #5 I know that if You died, I would die (inside)

Fault #4

Fault #4

I want people to hate Me when I hate Myself.

as I watch everything turn to grey.
I never thought it'd end this way.
lots of scents and used tissues
a lot of pain. smiles, with nothing to say
after it. I couldv'e sworn you promised to never leave.
it's not Your fault you were taken away.
but yet,I long for You at night.
but You're not here. and I know it's wrong to curse at the sky.


You are the person I never realized.
You are the one who I never wanted to say goodbye
You are the only one who knew Me.
You are the comforting wind when I cry.
You always found a way to make Me laugh.
and I never second guessed if You weren't here.
I Love You.


Watching as people try to bring Me comfort.
never caring before now.
as I watch as they reassure Your safety.
I never thought any different.
...TBC

Fault 3

Fault #3

I don't think before I speak.

I don't think I deserve this.
what would it take for you to listen
what would it take for you be in this forever,
I need You. I need You.
You didn't care. Now I'm here listening to You
and I can't help but think where were You.
I've been replaced by this Girl, Just a pretty face.
I'm simply erased by You.

Fault 2.

Fault #2.
I worry way to much.
I worry about worrying.
It's not fear as much.
more expectations i want to be met out of everything.

Fault #1

Fault number 1. : I let people get to Me.

If I die young,Tell Him I loved Him all along.
If I die young,Tell My mother, I always thought She was the most beautiful.
If I die young,Tell My sister She doesn't have to measure up to anyone.
If I die young tell My Grandma Jesus is waiting.
If I die young tell My father I admired His strength.
If I die young tell My friends You held Me together.
If I die young,tell My best friend He's the Most amazing person, and I loved Him.
If I die young bury Me with anything I've ever written.
If I die young give Him the letters.
If I die young let My mother know.
If I die young, Cry for a day and then only think of Me without tears.
If I die young. I loved You all.

''Leave Me like this.''

Realizing not everything is what we dream.
not everything comes back to haunt us.
but what does sends a chill down my spine
there's no one there but i hear noises,
come on,don't leave me alone like this.
i thought i had you figured out.
now turning your back, i can see the knife you were ready
to throw at mine.
I'm leaving you alone.
you don't want to show how afraid you are
you don't want to believe that i really know you.
you are a scared little person,with a mess of a dreamer
who cares for you.
but you don't accept i know everything
you're afraid to let people in.
you're afraid.
you're angry.
and now,You're alone by choice.
i bet that feels great.

The snow is somber.

You.

My words have no meaning.
My life has No Meaning.
I have no meaning.
...Until You snapped Me out of it.
You broke down every wall I so carefully constructed to keep
Men like You away in merely weeks.
You know that I'm a wreck.
and You know I can't breath.
as the Months turn into Years....
I see how much You've changed.
and How much I love You.
You're everything and beyond.

I just feel like talking.
Not that You'll listen.
Not that You'll care.
Not that You'll think twice about this random post.
Not for Your approval.
No, I write for me.
I write to stay sane.
I write because it matters to me.
it matters to me.
not that You'll ever read this.
not that I'll care
not that I'll think twice if you do.
not that my problems concern you.
not that i have any problems.
well. that would be a lie,
not that I'll share them.
not that you'd care.
not that I'd let you know
if anyone compares.
I'm moving aloud and your fighting this cloud
not that I'll notice no more shade above my head.
not that I'll care.
not that I'll care.
but the best good deeds are done unnoticed right?
well you haven't noticed me.
so how does it feel.
not that you care.
not that i care.
but i know you care
not that i think about you.
not that i noticed you didn't notice.
not that i care.
so I'll stop talking in cycles just enough for you
to breath some air. because you've been fighting me
ever since i arrived here.

And why would You even ask Me!?

Taking a breath.
to answer this question you've asked.
yes you're comparing me to my past.
yes i can't think
you've clouded my thought almost instantly
breathing heavily.
trying to figure out my response your insanity.
my insanity.
''why no, I am not. why would You eve ask Me that. You don't know me?
So don't even pretend you care about the answer i'm giving you right now.
because you never stopped me before. what's changed? Leave me alone. all you know
is rumors. fiction. or My past you only want the answer to fuel your gossip
craving for the day. so go turn around don't face my back.
no, don't face the mark you've obviously made today. go and tell them
yes i used to want to take my life.
but No. you do not know ME you just know the action i used to want to inflict
upon my human body...''
Yes You.
Yes you.
Yes You
the judgers of judgement
Your books are filled with lies.
i'm calling you out.
i don't even care.
I am i angry?
No.
Am I bothered.
No.
Do I care?
Yes.
because what you do to me is what you'll do to someone else who wasn't
strong enough to stop the thoughts.

''Moving Aloud'' -Kasi Oscar

It's the saddest thing when you are wrong. and I am right
I can't control and you can't move on.
so now lets start a fight.
I'm still holding on tonight.
what's it gonna take for you to see
I'm nothing more than me.
i am nothing more then me.
You keep writing your love songs.
all that fantasy.
when everything with us has gone wrong
escape what you can't be.
I'm escaping what we can't be.

It's a breaking cycle.
I'm finding out.
you're in my denial.
I'm moving aloud.
I'm taking this time
your making your rhythms.
I'm fighting a fight
and you're still not in sight.
I'm freaking out
your finding now.
i can't
i can't
i can't believe in you,
if you won't believe in me.

starting fresh is the easiest thing to do.
until you bring up something
something that I've lost in You.
You're complicated.
You're my frustration
You can't let anything go.
I'm still out of control
and I don't know who you are anymore
at least to me.
let's not forget.
our summer memories.
I'm faking it now
your taking it out on me.
I'm considering
everything you were to me.
you were something to me..

Beautiful..

You're beautiful. beyond belief.
just ask anyone.
they can see your heart.
as much as you keep it guarded.
i can see how strong it is.
i hope those scars will disappear.
you make my every day.
I save all our memories for when I'm sad.
because you make it better.
you're beautiful every little piece love.
I wish you knew.
I wish you knew.
I wish you knew just home much I love you.
Stay beautiful. stay true. stay You.
<3

And It all disappeared...

I am so thankful.
I was worried for nothing.
i was trembling in fear
I was thinking of how you could stop waking up
how you could loose all your hair.
how i could watch your coffin descend to dirt.
i could see my tears on your grave stone.
i saw life without you.
i saw life without you
i saw life in pain
i saw a life i hated
i am so thankful
i am so thankful
i saw your face
i got your letter
i am so thankful
i am so thankful
i can't believe you're OK
i can't believe you still here.
all my fear all my fear
at the sign of that letter.
it all disappeared.

I'm containing these swinging fists.
I'm shutting everything out.
I can't think about who I am.
because I know I'm lost.
Your standards are smothering me.
so I'll just stop breathing.
I'll just stop breathing.
facing reality.
I'm at a loss.
I'm lost.
I'm not here.
I'm not all there.
You've taken me.
and left me somewhere.
I'm lost.
I can't find myself anymore.
You've taken every last piece of me.
I HATE me.
I HATE Me.
You HATE me.
you must.
you do.
I do.
I miss.
You don't.
I do.
stop.
confused.
angry.
bitter.
and.
abused.

Sickening to think.

When did I stop trying to defend myself.
where did My dignity go?
when did I let you push Me around
I never really knew You did I?
So I can't really tell when this change came.
but Who I thought I knew, is NOT this person Who is standing
before Me with His fists up as if the worlds out to get Him.
I am not weak,
I am Strong.I just forgot I had a voice for a moment there.
When did I forget.
Oh I remember.
The first time You made Me feel like the leftover dirt
on the bottom of Your shoe.
that's right.
I acted like dirt.
it doesn't mean I am dirt.
This feeling like I can't measure up is sickening.
and You're the flu that's causing it.
You're making me nauseous with My own stupidity that I
would think so low of Myself.
I can't figure this out but what's starting now is Myself
changing back to whom My best friend says I am.
No He doesn't define me. but He sure as heck helps Me with
realizing the truth.

..blah

Sometimes screaming helps.